still

I am still here. I really thought we were in this together. I'm sorry that I need more, and that you can't provide it, right now? When are you going to be able to? I'm sorry, I can't just sit here. I know that I'll try. But I'm hurting, I'm breaking. I will start to listen better, if you learn to communicate. This is a two-way street baby and fuck her for what she has done. But I'm still here. I wish I was a strong as you, I wish I didn't care, I wish that when you moved away I didn't fear the loneliness, I wish that when I touched you I felt as though you were there too. I might be building this up for more than what it is, but am I not worth the fight? I'm sure fighting for you. When did this get so cold? I'm still here and all I see is me, alone, fucked, still waiting. I will learn to listen, will learn to trust, will be stronger by tomorrow, am I not worth the wait?

This is what is making me happy right now.

Listen.

I really hate life right now. This is weird because all I'm continually doing is trying to get away from this feeling... and I just keep getting thrown into shitty situation, in which I yet,once again feel crappy about. My fella and dog are in another town, I'm stuck in Corvallis taking 23 credits, working 15+ hours, graduating hopefully, missing my best friend (who has said she needs a break from my life), listening to women share their innermost secret personal feelings, working to keep harmony, missing my mother who up and moved to Florida, awaiting to hear if I have a job in another town (yet, once again away from someone who I love) and oh, I suppose to be a human and dealing with all this feelings, yet continue to finish the degree as a robot. I really wish this term would be over, but as soon as it's over, I will be faced with another huge set of problems/feelings to deal with... I will be hopefully seeking space for my identity/healing, but I don't know if a year is long enough. I really want it to all pan out like this... get the job, work for a year (seek therapy, learn more about myself, my identity), continue the partnership and love I'm need, be supportive of that partnership, do some theater, get to do the things that I used to be scared about, start paying off undergraduate loans, come back to Oregon in a year, intern/attend graduate school for Art therapy, live with Winther, love with him and our little pup, build an amazing life together where we travel and sing and make mockery of the tedious bullshit things in this world.... eat great food, drink many o great brews, love under the stars, "sail away for a year and a day, to the land where the bong trees go.... and then eventually in the wood, a piggy would stood with a ring at the end of his nose, his nose... a ring at the end of his nose...." Hopefully that will all pan out... but tomorrow I start with statistical math, and the covering of my feelings... back to the robot which they all want me to be... but soon dear people, soon soon soon... I will become unplugged... beware.