still

I am still here. I really thought we were in this together. I'm sorry that I need more, and that you can't provide it, right now? When are you going to be able to? I'm sorry, I can't just sit here. I know that I'll try. But I'm hurting, I'm breaking. I will start to listen better, if you learn to communicate. This is a two-way street baby and fuck her for what she has done. But I'm still here. I wish I was a strong as you, I wish I didn't care, I wish that when you moved away I didn't fear the loneliness, I wish that when I touched you I felt as though you were there too. I might be building this up for more than what it is, but am I not worth the fight? I'm sure fighting for you. When did this get so cold? I'm still here and all I see is me, alone, fucked, still waiting. I will learn to listen, will learn to trust, will be stronger by tomorrow, am I not worth the wait?

This is what is making me happy right now.

Listen.

I really hate life right now. This is weird because all I'm continually doing is trying to get away from this feeling... and I just keep getting thrown into shitty situation, in which I yet,once again feel crappy about. My fella and dog are in another town, I'm stuck in Corvallis taking 23 credits, working 15+ hours, graduating hopefully, missing my best friend (who has said she needs a break from my life), listening to women share their innermost secret personal feelings, working to keep harmony, missing my mother who up and moved to Florida, awaiting to hear if I have a job in another town (yet, once again away from someone who I love) and oh, I suppose to be a human and dealing with all this feelings, yet continue to finish the degree as a robot. I really wish this term would be over, but as soon as it's over, I will be faced with another huge set of problems/feelings to deal with... I will be hopefully seeking space for my identity/healing, but I don't know if a year is long enough. I really want it to all pan out like this... get the job, work for a year (seek therapy, learn more about myself, my identity), continue the partnership and love I'm need, be supportive of that partnership, do some theater, get to do the things that I used to be scared about, start paying off undergraduate loans, come back to Oregon in a year, intern/attend graduate school for Art therapy, live with Winther, love with him and our little pup, build an amazing life together where we travel and sing and make mockery of the tedious bullshit things in this world.... eat great food, drink many o great brews, love under the stars, "sail away for a year and a day, to the land where the bong trees go.... and then eventually in the wood, a piggy would stood with a ring at the end of his nose, his nose... a ring at the end of his nose...." Hopefully that will all pan out... but tomorrow I start with statistical math, and the covering of my feelings... back to the robot which they all want me to be... but soon dear people, soon soon soon... I will become unplugged... beware.

Writing....

Alright, to be honest I completely forgot that I said I was going to try and post everyday during my
catastrophic term from hell... but as you can see I've forgotten, but then remembered.
Anywho, life is actually going alright, one test down, another to go this week... and I've been writing and
doing as much as I can to stay as human as I am. I miss a certain someone, who frequents this journaling bit
much, and he's not as far as the many that live in New York, but I do know how it feels to miss a person, the person,
as such. I may be moving to Alamosa, Colorado.. for a position as a resident director. I find out early this week...
and my nerves are shot. I may as well have the same opportunity in Maryland, which I would enjoy as well... but time
will tell... I shouldn't be making big decisions, as mercury just turned retrograde... but I tend to make all my decisions
then, or at least they happen as such, so oh well. I miss my Zeus and his cuddles, but I am enjoying the wide open
spaces of my newly-bedded sleep-dwelling, yet lack the particular longitudinal warm shape along side.... I wonder if he'll
grace my bed this weekend?

We'll have to see.

Love to anyone who actually reads this.

Today is the start to a shit-tastic term! Oh fuck...
23 credits, on my last term at my institution...
2 Math courses, 2 science, a CS course and a project course
for my capstone on my degree...
oh, and plus at least 15 hours of work, SisterScholars and
saying 'goodbye to James' :( He'll be brewin' in Portland...
so here goes nothing... I'm going to try and do this everyday,
to blow off steam and say "fuck-you" to the world, secretly,
without killing anyone.
peace

Today

I just attempted to paint my mother's face from memory. And I can't.
All the colors that stick to the paper are dark, mauve, weathered and in my memory her skin is leather, although she applies baby oil daily to her body.
I cannot decide whether the distorted memory of her face and skin is due to the lack of sensory store and connection to long term memory, my unpracticed hand, the dull light within the room, or once again that feeling that we are growing apart.
Perhaps I'll have another go at it, but to be honest it hurts.

January 19th

So today has been an interesting day.
I don't know how to describe the feelings that I am having, but today just feels very different. Is it the stars? I don't know. Is it the lack of energy? Huummm...
I do know that I will be, starting tomorrow, a woman with a fake front tooth. I have to admit, the thought of this not only thrills me (due to the intense color change on the already pre-existing yellow one), but I also am a little eeekkked to the fact that I will be able to fully extract my flipper aka. retaining tooth, from my mouth without even a seconds guess. This will all happen tomorrow and we'll just have to see how it goes. I do know that I am extremely tired, and that I hope painting will be in my future... very soon.
Until next time...

Peter Jackson... Damn You!!!

If you have already had the chance to read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, and then preceded to see the movie, then you might be as both pissed and sad at Peter Jackson's take on the book. I hope Alice sues the shit out of him, or at least gives him a grandiose slap in the face...
If you'd like to miss the whole story to the book, then go see the movie... and I promise you'll be 1) beyond confused 2) miss tons of details in the book 3) completely disappointed in the development of the characters... which is the whole point of the story... be my guest...
But if you're interested in a great read... pick up the book.
Fuck you Peter Jackson!